The late, great Darrell Eastlake, who died in April, was a great bloke with absolutely no difference between his public and private persona – big, booming, garrulous, guffawing. He looked like Australia, sounded like Australia, and when he called a match, his level of excitement was so genuine, and so infectious, I reckon his success was that we in the audience felt obliged to lift up just to try and get to him.
Larger than life: Eastlake, pictured in 2006, was unmistakable on the mic and never faked his enthusiasm.Credit:Phil Hearne
Advertisement
Now if, as Philip Adams said, Pauline Hanson is a fart from the deep colon of the Australian psyche, Darrell was a big belly laugh from the heartland of that same psyche. Just how did he burst on the Nine scene, though, all those years ago? I asked David Hill, who was the boss of Channel Nine sport 40 years ago before becoming the long-time president of Fox Sports and now executive producing the Formula One.
“It was my Aunty Jean who told me about him,” Hill responded. “Im from Newcastle, and I was telling her I was looking for announcers for the 1982 Commonwealth Games. She loved Darrells league calls. So I checked him out and hired him . . .”
Little did Aunty Jean know what she had just wrought.
As Darrell was a junior commentator, Hill gave him the quiet weight-lifting round, where commentators tended to be a cross between “Whispering” Ted Lowe and someone conducting a requiem mass. But not Darrell. On the first day of the comp, checking the boundary fences from the broadcast nerve centre, Hill flicked the switch to the weightlifting, as luck would have it, just as an Australian was going for gold. Enter Darrell:
“HE'S GOT 120KG OF PURE HELL, AND HE'S GOING FOR IT . . . ”
A star was born. Weightlifting commentary would never be the same, and Hill was quick to bring him to the Channel Nine mainland to cut him loose on this new thing called State of Origin.
“Putting him with Ian Maurice and Jack Gibson,” Hill reminisced, was a hoot. “Most exciting and informative league call of all time!”
Indeed.
As gloried in by Twitter, when the news broke of Darrells death, the Eastlake/Gibson dynamic was best captured, satirically, by Billy Birmingham of 12th Man fame.
Darrell: “Pearce off Jack, Gibbs on.”
Jack: “What did you f—kn say?
Darrell: “Pearce off Jack, Gibbs on.”
Jack: “Don't tell me to piss off f–k knuckle!
Darrell: “HohHoh, Big Jack's king hit me, and I've gone crashing to the deck!”
Vale, Darrell. You was one of the beauts.
A win for the ages
Yes, I know I have told the story before of the late, great, American tennis player Vitas Gerulaitis finally beating Jimmy Connors, but under the circumstances, no other set-up will do. For you see, back in 1980, at Madison Square Garden, the famous American playboy tennis player at last put a stop to no fewer than sixteen consecutive defeats to the ageing, three-time US Open champion, by beating him in a five-set thriller.
“Let that be a lesson to you all,” Gerulaitis admonished the press corps in the post-match press-conference. “No-one beats Vitas Gerulaitis seventeen times in a row.”
Stopping the rot: The Waratahs celebrate a try during their big win against the Highlanders, the first by an Australian side against Kiwi opposition in two years.Credit:AAP
It is in this spirit that I must admonish you unkind Kiwis, who have been ripping into Australian rugby over recent years, saying we are hopeless jokes.
I mean did you see the Waratahs against the Highlanders in May? Did you see how they smashed em, bashed em, crashed em, to record the first victory of an Australian side over a Kiwi side in Super Rugby for nigh on two years? AND did it by nigh on 30 points?!?
Let that be a lesson to you Kiwis, and dont you bloody forget it!
No-one beats Australian rugby sides forty times in a row!
Glory day
Youre right. Rugby is going through grim times in Sydney Town and points north, south, and west, but it is still capable of generating wonderful stuff. A case in point came in the Eastern Suburbs when the Cranbrook 4th XV were playing their counterparts from St Josephs College. Late in the game, a Cranbrook lad with Down Syndrome, eager to play with his mates, came on to the field to have his first game-time of the season. Nothing was spoken. Intuitively, the Joeys and Cranbrook lads looked meaningfully at each other, and knew what to do. With Cranbrook taking the kick-off, the ball was quickly funnelled to the new arrival, as he set off for the line, and the Jo boys moved to stop him . . .
Sort of.
That is, through a combination of the newcomer running like a scalded cat, his mates running and riding shotgun all around him, and the Jo boys somehow missing their tackles by mere inches, he proceeded to run all the way to the tryline, to score the first try of his life, all as the crowd came to their feet and roared, before both teams came together to warmly congratulate him.
Bravo.
Who won?
Who cares?
The congratulatory words of the Joeys headmaster, Dr Chris Hayes, to the entire school on Thursday, bear repeating.
“For that young man, his parents, his schoolmates and their parents, as well as our Joeys staff and parents, a great moment of jubilation and celebration happened on that rugby pitch. Our boys saw a need and did something about it. You may never know the good you have done because for that young man you made his day. And it will be a day he will never forget. He will always remember the day he scored a try against St Josephs College. From the actions of our boys we have a clear display of great compassion, unselfishness and generosity. You have changed someones life and to the Joeys boys responsible, we salute you for being outstanding ambassadors of our great school.”
Balls and all
I am tired, ok? And even I can't keep up with the latest Greg Norman heroics – this one seeing him pose stark staring naked, while holding golf clubs. Good luck to him. I merely wish to add that it at least brings to mind the surely apocryphal story which saw late-night TV host Johnny Carson ask Arnold Palmer if he had any pre-tournament rituals, the great man replied: "Yes, I have my wife kiss my balls for luck."
Johnny, deadpan: "I'll bet that makes his putter flutter.”
Foreign policy
The reaction to Bert van Marwijks tenure as Socceroos coach?
A bit savage, and a bit late. The guts of the remarks from the likes of Craig Foster, Mark Bosnich and Ange Postecoglou – not to mention huge slabs of social media – seem to boil down to: “We were too defensive, and didnt play the Australian way. We didnt have a go yer mug!”
Look, on this subject, as Billy Birmingham would say, I couldnt agree with me more. Im just going to have to go with me on this one. And you may recall, I said it from the beginning: when we eschew promoting one of our own, and instead get a foreign coach, aint it obvious that the foreigner will coach them in a foreign way, to a foreign style? And isnt it a bit late now to be up him for the rent, after the tournament is over?
What were they thinking? Bert van Marwijk was an uninspiring choice as Socceroos coach.Credit:AP
Next time, lets back ourselves, and back our own coaches.
Cautious? Conservative? Hoping to limit the damage first, and then maybe eke out a win from there? Its just not us. We never scored a single goal from open play. As Fitzphile Jeremy Lighter noted: “Congratulations to the Socceroos. They managed to get two opponents to handle the ball in the penalty area.” In the last two World Cups, weve played six matches for no victories, scored five goals, conceded fourteen goals and been last in our group twice. We are better than that!
What They Said
LeBron James, the greatest basketballer of all time last Wednesday: “In the NFL they got a bunch of old white men owning teams and they got that slave mentality. And its like, This is my team. You do what the f— I tell yall to do. Or we get rid of yall.”
ARL Commission chairman Peter Beattie to a wee lad, as the cameras rolled live on The Today Show. “Youre obviously a Knights supporter!” Actually, no. The lad was adorned with a Barcelona FC jumper, which I think is soccer. (Sorry, cant help myse . . . INCOMMMMMING! Run for your lives!)
Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews: “The AFL is not a charity. They are not going to lock in the grand final in Victoria unless they are supported.” No, theyre not a charity, Premier. Theyre a business that doesnt pay tax.
Welsh referee Nigel Owens, rugbys most famous and beloved gay responds to Israel Folaus post maintaining that gays are going to hell: “There are young people out there taking their own lives, feeling like I did. And thats what I wish people would think about and the way they convey their opinions. Judge me and other gay people, judge them on the content of their character, not their sexuality.”
The crowd at Christchurch delighted in singing the gay anthem, and dancing along, as a reminder to the visiting Waratahs fullback Israel Folau that he did not enjoy their support: “Its fun to stay at the YMCA, fun to stay at the YMCA.A.A.A!”
Australian cricketer David Hussey, on twitter: “Anyone else over the goings on with the Royal wedding? Over with what Megans half sister says? And the goings on with Megans dad? Is it time Australia became a republic? #EnoughIsEnough.” Let me hear you say, RAH!
Carlton coach Brendon Bolton after fourth loss to start the season. “We've got to roll our sleeves up.” Coach? Ive been looking at the AFL jerseys and think I have spotted the problem.
Collingwoods Adam Treloar, sitting next to coach Nathan Buckley, after being awarded the ANZAC Medal for best-on-ground after the Magpies beat Essendon by 44 points at the MCG: “It's something I'll probably look back on once I'm retired. But there's some champions who have won it, like the man next to me.” Buckley, interrupting: “Nah I haven't won one.” Treloar: “You didnt?” Buckley: “I was robbed.”
Rashid Khan after a man of the match performance in the IPL: “First of all thanks to mighty Allah for such a performance after a few bad games.”
TV commentator Andrew Voss on the fabulous Newcastle Knights fullback Kalyn Ponga: “The human highlights reel . . .”
NSW Origin coach Brad Fittler to our own Andrew Webster on his game plan for Origin II in Sydney: “I dont know what Im going to do. Im just gonna wing it. Weve winged it this far . . .” Webster says he was joking. He thinks.
James Maloney on Fittler making the Blues taking off their boots at Coogee Oval and walk barefoot on the frost: “We've done some research and Coogee Oval has more nutrients in the earth than any other in Australia. Deadset. I looked it up on Wikipedia. Apparently it's good for you. Im buying in.”
Nothing if not optimistic: Former Australian one-day captain Tim Paine.Credit:AP
Tim Paine on that record ODI loss, which saw England score 481 runs for the loss of only six wickets: “This can be a really big positive for us going forward . . .” How many runs would England need to have scored, before it could be put down as a shocking negative? Discuss, sports fans.
Holdens Dave Reynolds on winning a race in Darwin: “I just hung my balls out at turn one and went a bit deeper than everyone. It paid off and that is what set up our race.” Charmed, were sure.
President Donald Trump tweets in June: “Just watched @SharkGregNorman on @foxandfriends. Said President is doing a great job. All over the world, people want to come back to the U.S. Thank you Greg, and youre looking and doing great!” No words.
Team of the Year
Cameron Smith. End of an era with him hanging up the Maroon boots.
Parramatta and Carlton. The dominant rugby league and AFL teams from the 1980s are now both flat winless and so far on the on the bottom of their tables they might be mistaken for grisly pieces of years-old chewing gum.
Winx. Won the $4m Queen Elizabeth Stakes and equalled Black Caviars record of 25 consecutive race wins. Best since Phar Lap, blah, blah, blah . . . .
Dean Mumm. The great Wallaby forward of not so long ago, made it to the North Pole, to raise £750k for Borne, a premature birth charity.
Russian Burger King. Apologised and cancelled the campaign that offered $48,000 and a lifetime supply of Whoppers to anyone getting impregnated by soccer players competing in the FIFA World Cup.
Tim Cahill. At least he briefly got on the field against Peru, for what will likely be his last appearance for the Socceroos, after a long and extraordinary career.
NSW Blues. Are State of Origin Champions for only the second time in thirteen years.
Brad Fittler. He is a bit odd, but in a good way. Somehow, his whole bo-ho approach worked.
Peter FitzSimons is a Herald journalist, columnist and author, based in Sydney. He is also a former Wallabies player.
Most Viewed in Sport
[contf] [contfnew] 
Australian Breaking News Headlines
[contfnewc] [contfnewc]
